What Need Are They Trying to Meet?
A Theory 30 Years in the Making
Today I want to dive into something that's been rattling around in my brain for decades. Something I've never really written down properly because, honestly, it evolved over years of carefully observing people. Recently though, I realized that while I’ve observed this phenomenon for decades, I myself only recently explicitly identified the parts and pieces. And once I did, it seemed so obvious, I figured everyone else must see it too. But apparently they don't. And realizing that has completely shifted how I think about sharing this work.
And it started because... well, I'd watch strangers do these bewildering things. Someone in a parking lot losing their absolute shit over a parking space. A brilliant colleague sabotaging their own promotion. My kid melting down over something that seemed trivial. And I'd think... why?
Not in a judgy way, more like... there has to be a reason. People don't just do random stuff for no reason, right?
The Question that Clued Me In
Over the course of time, observing and trying to understand why people do the things they do — I realized that I was having some insights and theories about motivation that seemed reasonable. When I asked myself where those insights were coming from, I realized that somewhere along the way I had come up with this question to ask myself: "What need are they trying to meet?"
Like, okay, imagine someone breaks into a house to steal stuff. My brain with the question, now immediately goes to: which need? Financial (need food, need to pay rent)? Social-emotional (did it on a dare, need to belong)? Or maybe emotional (angry at the homeowner and can't express it any other way)?
People are just trying to get their needs met. They just... often suck at it. Especially when they aren’t aware of the need themselves. How are you supposed to solve a problem you aren't even aware of?
Once you understand that an unmet need is likely driving their actions, their behavior—even the destructive stuff—suddenly makes sense. Not acceptable, necessarily. But understandable. And once you understand the real problem, you can start finding better ways to address it.
Where This Gets Really Interesting (And Kind of Revolutionary?)
So I've been using this lens for years, right? Just intuitively. And recently I tried to explain it to someone and realized... holy shit, this isn't just about needs. There's this whole other layer. So the general premise is that there are two primary motivations for everything that humans do: values and needs. Sometimes the needs and/or values are known and conscious, many times though, it’s not.
So it comes down to the conflict between our needs and our values.
Values are what we believe is right or important. Needs are what we literally cannot live without (or live well without). And here's the kicker: Values are choices. Needs are not. But how we meet needs IS a choice.
Addiction as an Example
Okay, so... addiction. This is where it gets really clear. Very, very smart and capable people fall prey to addiction. WHY? They know the risks. They know it could destroy everything they value—family, health, career. So why would that happen?
Because the NEED overrides the value.
Someone might start using substances to meet a need—emotional regulation, connection, escape from trauma. That's already a need being met with a poor strategy, and very likely, not a conscious one. But then, once there's physical addiction? They've created a NEW need. A physiological one that didn't exist before.
Now they're trapped between their values (I want to be a good parent, I value my health) and their needs (I literally need this substance or I'll go through withdrawal). The battle between need and value becomes... excruciating.
And imagine how much harder that is when you don't even realize you have needs and values in conflict. You'd be almost blind trying to solve that problem.
Why Great Stories are About This (Wait, What?)
This is the part that really got me. Once I started seeing this pattern, I couldn't unsee it. Every great story—and I mean EVERY story that's survived centuries, as far as I can tell—is about values-needs conflict:
Hamlet? Need for safety vs value of honor. Romeo and Juliet? Need for love vs value of family loyalty. Les Misérables? Need for survival vs value of law/order.
These aren't just little "stories" either! These are the great pillars of literature. But no one has ever talked about this?! It's so odd to me that this isn't some sort of everyone-knows-about-it theory.
What would have happened to Hamlet if he could've consciously recognized: "I need safety but I value honor, and these are in conflict—what are my options?" What choices could he have thought other people had?
These ARE the things that cause our biggest problems. The issues that cause needs vs values conflicts are the biggest ones of all—and we have no defined way of resolving them, as far as I know.
The Simple Question That Contains Everything
Here's the great thing. That question—"What need are they trying to meet?"—it's like... it contains the whole framework without having to explain it.
Because when you ask it, you deliver a lot of side-car principles, without explicitly stating them:
Behavior has a purpose (it's not random)
There are needs driving behavior
People can do things to meet needs
Current strategies might not be working
Better strategies might exist
You almost have the entire framework in one sentence. The values part isn't in there explicitly, but it comes up naturally... sometimes in just a few follow-up questions. Once you identify a need, or a possible list of needs, then you start brainstorming other methods to meet that need, and questions like “which is more important to you” immediately triggers a conversation about values.
Why I'm Finally Writing This Down
My background looks scattered, but there's actually a thread. When I was 15, I started a philosophy magazine called Atlantis. I approached scholars who would become major intellectuals to let me interview them—Dr. Edwin Locke (who became the most published organizational psychologist in history), Dr. John Ridpath (who has an google-worthy connection with Nobel laureate Friedrich von Hayek), and many others who'd go on to teach at Harvard, Yale, Stanford.
They said yes, I think, because they recognized the mission we shared—to explore ideas seriously, to get people engaged with philosophy. They were generous with their time, encouraging a young person who had more enthusiasm than experience. And those conversations? They started to shape how I think about everything.
Since then, I've been practicing philosophy the way that seemed natural—by studying humans in every context I could access. Fortune 500 consulting to see how large organizations actually function. Instructional design to understand how people really learn. Retail businesses to examine the connection between branding and human connection. 1:1 coaching to executives and individuals to hone in on strategic problem solving. Art and yoga. Even fiction—I wrote a novel at 25 (still unpublished) and my son just pointed out that the entire conflict is about values versus needs. I laughed when I realized I was seeing this pattern before I could even name it.
What looks like a scattered career path is actually thirty years of systematic observation. Gathering inductive data about how humans actually work, not how we think they work…. thirty years of being an undercover field philosopher.
Here’s what thirty years of asking "what need are they trying to meet?" has taught me: People have needs, and they have values – both can be conscious, or unconscious. Ultimately people want to be happy. They want to have good lives and be healthy. So what keeps them from that?
Usually? They're trying to meet real needs with broken or ineffective strategies. Or they're caught in conflicts they don't even know exist. Between what they need to survive and what they believe is right.
The Heroes Project (Because Of Course There's More)
I'd already started researching 1,000 heroes across history and culture for a different project—just trying to understand patterns of human achievement. Once I explicitly identified the values-needs alignment theory, I realized this research project could be so much more.
Heroes aren't people without values-needs conflicts. They may be people who found creative ways to honor both. They may have chosen their values consciously. They may have met their needs without destroying themselves or others.
The research that started as one thing will become validation for another. Every hero I study, I will be able to use as a test case to find I the moments when their needs and values clashed, and how they navigated it. Perhaps brilliantly. Perhaps tragically. But always... instructively. Neesd and values won’t have anything to do with the hero selection process, but once all the data on the heroes is gathered, this will be part of the analysis.
So now the Heroes research has become part of testing this theory. Does the pattern hold across cultures? Across centuries? What I’ve seen already in literature is honestly making me rethink everything I thought I knew about human achievement.
What I Think This Could Mean
I think this is big. Potentially revolutionary.
Here’s what I know from the case studies I have: This framework has stopped violence. It's helped people set boundaries. It's helped people understand their conflicts, their self-sabotage, their inability to make decisions that seemed impossible. Not because I'm some guru—I'm definitely not—but because once people can see the conflict, they can solve it themselves.
What if this could help prevent problems instead of just treating them? What if we taught kids to:
Recognize what they're actually feeling and needing
Understand that values are chosen, not inherited
Find strategies that honor both their needs AND their values
See conflicts coming before they become destructive
It feels almost too simple. But maybe that's why it works?
So, What Now?
I'm calling this Skaar's Theory of Value-Needs Alignment. Which sounds very official and academic, but really it's just... this thing I've been doing forever, finally written down.
Over the next while, I want to share:
More about the theory – this is just the high level, but there is more
Examples and analysis of this playing out in literature
Real stories of how this has worked (or hasn't)
Ways to spot your own conflicts
Why some solutions work and others make things worse
What happens when entire societies have values-needs conflicts
Assessment tools and practical steps to help you become more aware of your own needs and values
Research showing this theory in action—starting with the literature analysis, then data from the Heroes research as it develops, eventually, studies with people who want to explore this framework in their own lives
But here's the thing—I don't want to just broadcast this at you. I want to talk WITH you about it. Share your own examples. Challenge my thinking. Tell me where this framework breaks down for you. Because after thirty years of thinking about this mostly alone, I want to get this out into the world and start collaborating with others on it. Jump into the comments – or send me an email.
Does this resonate? Have you seen this pattern too? What need do YOU think people are trying to meet when they do that inexplicable thing that drives you crazy?
Because I genuinely believe this: Once we can see the conflict, we have a much better chance to solve it. Once we understand the need, we can find better ways to meet it. Once we realize values are choices, we can choose ones that actually support our lives.
It's not about having the right answer. It's about asking the right question.
And that question is surprisingly simple: What need are you trying to meet?
Amy here. Started a philosophy journal at 15, spent 30 years gathering inductive data across Fortune 500 consulting, management, and various entrepreneurial ventures while trying to figure out why humans do what they do. After a brain injury forced me to focus on only the most important things, I'm finally documenting the frameworks that have been rattling around in my head. This is the first of many conversations about what I've noticed. Thanks for being curious with me.